Wounded Stones and Fizzy Sodas

The "penis thieves" article has been making the rounds on the internet, about sorcerer's in Africa preying on the fears of their countrymen and stealing or shrinking their penises.

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

Other than my Oom Paul post, I haven't really delved into the woo of other countries, but I've read enough to know that it is very strong in India and Africa. Coincidentally, I just happened to be watching "10 Questions That Every Intelligent Christian Must Answer":



I checked on the Deuteronomy quote about stoning virgins who really weren't virginal. Sure enough, the bible says to do it. But the first sentence in the next chapter of Deuteronomy says:

He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

You can make the connection with the penis theft article easily enough. Beyond that, I found it interesting that "stones" was the colloquialism of the day, as was "privy member". This puts a whole new spin on what the Bible means by "stoning" someone to death, like the hapless non-virgins. And forget about explaining to the congregation of the LORD that you were killed by being stoned in the stones (if that's even possible). That dog won't hunt (flashback). And for the bible to even address this at all means that it must have been a major problem back then.

But let's get back to the virgins. So, those of you who found this post by way of the keyword "penis" can leave now. There's nothing more for you here.

Seems like the old testament crowd really had a thing for virgins, especially for those who weren't, as if a virgin was a can of Coke. Pop the tab and relish the bubbly carbonation. Ah, sweet, sweet carbonation.

But let's say you popped the tab and there is no sweet sweet bubbly carbonation. Nothing tickles your nose, no fizzy fizzy popping sounds...Jesus Friggin' High Fructose Corn Syrup with Caramel Color, someone has already popped the tab on your coke! What the hell are you going to do now??


Continuing with this inane analogy, let's see what Deuteronomy tells us.

If any man buys a coke, takes a swig, and hates it, and says bad things about it, and calls it an evil name (Pepsi?), and says I had a sip and found no fizz, then the store owner from whom the coke was purchased shall bring forth proof that there was most definitely fizz and the customer was totally wrong to talk smack and call it Pepsi. If the owner proves his case, the customer will be chastised and will take the coke and he will like it for the rest of his life. But if indeed it has been found that the coke had long since fizzled out, the coke lovers of the city shall stone it until it is no more.

If a man is found drinking someone else's coke, then both the man shall die and the coke can crushed.

If a customer says "Hey, I'd like to buy that coke" but someone else drinks it before him, then that someone else will be stoned. And by the way, stone the coke as well since it didn't cry out.

But if a man finds someone else's coke in a field and drinks of it, then that man shall die but the coke spared because...well, it couldn't stop him, could it?

And if someone finds a fresh can of coke that no one has bought yet, takes a sip and is discovered, then that person must pay the store owner fifty shekels of silver, and become the proud owner of an open can of coke. And he better like it, because it's his forever.

And oh by the way, you may not have sex with your mom, nor discover your father's skirt.

It's nice that the Deuteron's threw that last bit of moralizing in for us, because where would we be without someone to tell us not to discover our father's skirt. Hell, if it wasn't for Deuteronomy, I wouldn't even know my father had a skirt! Now I've got to figure out how best not to discover it.

Anywhoo...I notice that nowhere does it say that a man shouldn't share his coke with friends, so I guess that's ok. And it looks like it's just as ok to buy the 24-pak. As for me, I think it's time for a beer.