Patently Absurd

There's been an ongoing issue with software patents. Software is, after all, nothing more than a set of instructions - a procedure for a machine. Human "calculators" can carry out the same set of instructions, albeit inefficiently and prone to error. If software can be patented, then can you also patent the instructions for fixing a leaky faucet? Shouldn't, by the same logic, mathematical proofs be allowed to be patented? What about the equation that generates a novel fractal image? Arstechnica tells us that the US Patent and Trademark Office has been wrestling with this problem and, after a series of missteps, may be finding their voice.

In an article last week at Patently-O, law professor John Duffy warns that the Patent Office has staked out positions that, if accepted by the courts, would amount to the de facto abolition of software patents. He's right that the Patent Office has become increasingly hostile to software patents in the last couple of years. However, it's far from clear that the end of software patents is imminent. And Duffy is dead wrong to suggest that fewer software patents would be bad for innovation.

The problem is so bad that even woo has been patented. Take, for instance, patent no. 7,357,638 - a computer program for generating astrological horoscopes. The abstract reads

The invention provides a zodiac sign horoscope mapping device, locating the coordinate positions of the twelve zodiac signs, in a manner accurately reflecting the precession of the equinoxes. The device divides the ecliptic coordinate sphere into twelve uniform longitudinal arcs, aligning an origin by a zodiac sign to degree, and thereby locating the twelve zodiac signs along the sphere. A dependent device divides the ecliptic coordinate sphere into twelve non-uniform arcs, each arc isomorphic to the longitudinal span of one of the twelve traditional zodiac constellations, and thereby locating each zodiac sign as isomorphic to its named constellation. The invention provides an astrological horoscope device, which provides the calendar dates of the year for each zodiac Sun sign. The invention provides a horoscope generating method, which can comprise a horoscope computer program's functional specification. The invention provides a horoscope generating computer program.

The patent points out the absurdity of horoscopes found in newspapers, in which the population is divided into twelve groups based on their astrological sign.

Common sense states that, to provide each twelfth of the human population with the exact same horoscope, it can not accurately predict or render a unique and suitable horoscope for each and every individual.

So how does this program "render a unique and suitable horoscope for each and every individual"? The program divides them into a larger number of groups!

Personalized astrology is based on the unique natal data of the individual, comprising the individual's birth date (day, month and year), birth place, and birth time. These are the input requirements for generating an individual's unique astrological data (the exact locations of the ten "planets" of astrology, which comprise the Sun, the eight non-Earth planets of the solar system, and the Earth's Moon), from which charts, tables and aspect grids for the individual can be accurately manufactured. Hence, a daily horoscope for each person should also be generated along these lines, using each person's unique birth input data.

Supposedly common sense has been restored, but I haven't quite figured out where. Close inspection of the patent shows that, even though time of birth can be input, it is optional and not used. Besides, the program doesn't look at the time the horoscope is output - just the date. So "birth time" is irrelevant.

But are the results individualized and unique? NO! The program can call upon a database of "interpretations" given the aspect of orbs (i.e. 'planets' in the parlance of woo). The particular interpretation it provides is entirely random. While the results may be unique (as determined by the size of the database), they are certainly not individualized.

So why did the USPTO grant this patent? Who knows. This one is tame compared to the universe of weird patents, but it serves to illustrate that woo encroaches everywhere, even in our beleaguered patent offices.

For more great info on this topic, see last year's post at the Coding Horror blog.

Octopus Escaping Through A One-Inch Hole

I love the Science Video Search Engine. Check out one of their latest offerings:

UK Medicine Joins The 21st Century

UK had five homeopathic hospitals. One just closed up shop. In 2005, UK physicians gave out 83,000 homeopathic prescriptions. In 2007, this had dropped to 49,000. Meanwhile, overall prescriptions rose from 720 million to 796 million. There has been a definite shift in attitude regarding homeopathy. Perhaps people are realizing it is just water or sugar pills. Perhaps they are finding out that there is NO reliable evidence supporting homeopathy.

GPs shun homeopathy as prescriptions halve
But Dr Tim Robinson, a GP who provides a local homeopathic service in Dorset, said the huge drop reflected an orchestrated ‘hate campaign’ against homeopathy that had been led by Professor Ernst.

‘Patients are not asking for it because of what has been written in the press and this also reflects the disillusionment of medical homeopaths with the system and cuts in funding from PCTs,’ he said.

NOTHING is stopping manufacturers of homeopathic remedies from seeking formal approval and licensing their so-called medicines. All they have to do is provide evidence of quality, safety, and efficacy. So, was their a rush for approval?

The Medicines and Healthcare Products Regulatory Agency revealed only two homeopathic remedies had applied for a licensed medical indication under their National Rules Scheme launched in September 2006.

Neither application has been approved.

Homeopaths are drowning in their own woo. The Brits are deciding that they're tired of years of snake oil salesmen, their lies, and their foolish products. To that, I say Huzzah!

As for those who are missing their remedies, just go to your sink. The faucet labeled Hot is for Hot Flashes. The one labeled Cold is for The Common Cold. See? It was free all along.

Microsoft Mojave - You're Soaking In It

Does your manicurist have you dip your fingers in Palmolive to soften the cuticles? Does your restaurant serve you Sanka with flavor crystals? Is that Pepsi or Coke you're drinking?

Microsoft shows it can be just as tricksy. Is that a new, incredible OS you're using or is it Vista?

Gizmodo has a good take on this "experiment". Basically, Vista is fine for the average user when everything works. But if you have an older PC that uses older drivers, then good luck figuring out what to do when things don't work.

Not Kewl

Cuil is supposedly the new kid on the block to contend with Google, the search engine phenom. The creators claim to have over 120,000,000,000 pages indexed. That's 120 billion, over 4 times what Google has indexed (although no one can be sure since Google stopped publishing their catalog size a few years back).

As far as I'm concerned, I'd consider a search engine decent if the search terms "The Way of the Woo" brings up my blog. Google puts me at the top spot. That's kewl.

Cuil, on the other hand, gives me this.

Uhhh...that's not so kewl.

Critics agree that Cuil has not gotten off to a smashing start and Google didn't even blink. 120 billion pages don't mean a whole lot if there's a lot of irrelevant garbage thrown in. Relevancy counts. "Skeptic's Guide to the Universe" brings up a lot of stuff, none of them The Skeptic's Guide to the Universe. However, "Skeptic's Guide" will get you there. So, something just ain't right with their search algorithm or their method of ranking pages (if they even do that).

The excellent blog Search Engine Land has all the poop that's fit to scoop.

Equilibrium Punctuated!

Part pig, part monkey, the twain have met. Where's an intelligent designer when you need one?? If this combination had some large evolutionary benefit, perhaps Stephen J. Gould might be stirring even now as evolutionary equilibrium gets a shot in the arm!

So, who wants to name the new species? How about Oinkzilla? Piggus Homini? Pan Domestica? Sus Troglodyte???


I see a Disney movie in the making. Although the family may have wanted to get rid of it, the innocence of a child steps in:

Feng's wife said the monkey-faced piglet was one of five newborns of a sow which the family had raised for nine years.

"My God, it was so scary. I didn't known what it was. I was really frightened," she said.

"But our son likes to play with it, and he stopped us from getting rid of it. He even feeds it milk."

Michael Savage On The Way Out?

Michael Savage's lunatic rant against autism is now costing Talk Radio Network loss of some major advertisers. Aflac was the first to go, and now:

Home Depot, Sears and Budweiser* all withdrew their support from the fiery hatemonger's program, along with Direct Buy, Cisco and Radio Shack, according to Autism United. (ref)

The loss of Home Depot support is no surprise. Co-founder Bernie Marcus happens to sit on the Autism Speaks board or directors. Apparently Savage didn't know this, otherwise he might have tempered his remarks. Perhaps this is just another indication of how clueless he really is. Considering that he once promoted homeopathy, this comes as no great surprise.
A new website was created to defend Savage in this controversy. It gives 20 audio clips of Michael Savage on autism. None of these clips were from his July 16th show, sparking the current controversy. In fact, all were after that show - i.e. these are damage control sound bytes. Instead of apologizing for his inflammatory gaffes, Savage instead criticizes the medical institution. He leaves it to Talk Radio Network to do the apologizing:

As a result, Dr. Savage's comments did facially appear to be directed at children who suffer from autism, and clearly could be perceived as such. This has, in turn, caused understandable pain and distress to those who have a child or family member who is challenged by autism. This was not Dr. Savage's intent, and, on behalf of the Network and all persons associated with the Network, we wish to note that our hearts go out to all families who are forced to face the realities of autism every day of their lives, and to sincerely apologize to these families for any increase in these burdens resulting from inartful commentary appearing in the Network's programming.

Inartful commentary? Well doesn't that sum up every single show he's ever done? Talk Radio Network, in the same article, has said they won't fire Michael Savage because they believe they know what he meant to say and his "inartful" comments were just a slip of the tongue...too much pressure, to many things going on in a live radio broadcast, too many things to talk about - mistakes will be made, and this was just one of them. No big deal. But Talk Radio Network is not an objective party in this. Savage is their biggest player with the largest audience. If anything, this controversy might increase his audience size because of a publicity bump (even if it's bad publicity). Savage is one of their cash cows and radio is just a business, right? They would never cut Savage off no matter how hot he made it for them.

As radio stations and sponsors drop his program, as the Talk Radio Network starts to lose the big bucks, it is possible (however remote) that Savage will come out with an official apology to the parents of children with autism. Like I said, it's radio is a business and he's hurting the business by refusing to apologize. But self-serving apologies like these do no one any good because 1) they are always a little too late, 2) their sincerity is driven by the almighty dollar, and 3) everyone recognizes them for what they are.

So, we wonder how far this will all go. Is Michael Savage on the way out? How many stations and sponsors need to drop him before Talk Radio Network fires him? Will Savage apologize and meet with, say, Jenny McCarthy (ala Imus meeting Sharpton)? That would be a hoot. Maybe Savage will even write a book under his real name (Michael Weiner) on how homeopathy can cure autism. That would be a bestseller. And maybe one day someone will write the headline "Savage/Weiner's Bone of Contention".
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(*update 7/28 - see comment #1)

Tuna Qi Woo

This world's barrel of woo is bottomless. Now Japan is performing acupuncture on their tuna.

Acupuncture used to improve flavour of tuna for sushi
Their prized terriers are given samba-dancing lessons, their choicest beef herds are treated to daily massages and now, in an effort to produce the most delicious sushi in the world, Japanese tuna are to be given acupuncture.

The company in Osaka that patented the technique claimed that calm tuna thrashed about less in their death throes. Once the fish have received the brief treatment the blood becomes purer and the flesh has a better flavour, Toshiro Urabe, the president of the Osakana Planning Company, said.

Silly? Wacky? Nutty? I really don't think the word has been invented that can adequately describe the sillywackynuttiness of tuna acupuncture. So I hereby copyright tunaqiwoo. Now to wait as the money pours in.

Insurance Company Rules

Slices of Religion

America likes the slice of religion called Christianity. America's the most powerful country on earth, therefore Christianity must be the right religion. Or maybe it's now power, maybe it's population, in which case Christianity is not the right religion. Maybe the right religion is the one you were born into. Or maybe you can switch to the right religion based on your own standards of morality. Perhaps the right religion for you hasn't even been invented yet, in which case you can start it yourself (hint, if you like to kill women or marry a half-dozen of them, those religions exist already). Whatever religion you happen to decide on (assuming you're free to decide), you'll be among a community of people who share similar beliefs, values, and goals. It's like being in a club, or being a fan of a particular sports team, or participating in certain internet forums. When someone disses your club, you and your fellow club members will get uptight, angry, hopping mad. But your club has no exclusivity on touch sensitivity. It's a fact of human nature, the one club we all belong to. Getting your dander up is normal.

So, pick and choose your religion wisely. Or, better yet, you don't have to pick any at all and simply realize that we're all in this together and that there's no need to get all hot and bothered over the little things, like which slice of pie tastes the best.

CBS News Gives Up On 'Trust'

Once upon a time, the CBS News Anchor, in the person of Walter Cronkite, was known as "the most trusted person in the world". These days, CBS News has shied away from that responsibility and they've done so in a most heinous fashion. As watchers of the evening news, we've learned to expect a lot of hype and fancy graphics and scare-mongering and, yes, even bias during the prime time news shows. But I also expect that when the anchor asks questions of a guest, the guest's answer would be aired. Perhaps it might be edited for time or to get past all the "uhhhs" and straight to the juicy meat, but I would never think that the evening news would actually pick and choose a response from another question entirely and match it up with the original question.

Follow me? Katie Couric asked John McCain a question regarding the surge in Iraq. John McCain gave some answer in which he evidently screwed up the timeline, indicating a misunderstanding about recent history. OK...no big deal. Liberals might hammer him on this, but he might have "mispoke" or, more likely, "misremembered". But CBS News didn't play that answer to the question. They played the answer from some subsequent question.

Really.

Does this even qualify as news anymore? No. It's CBS making the news what they want it to be. At the most fundamental, basic, basic, BASIC level of journalism, this is manifestly wrong, dishonest, and not news. I'd have to say that this is glaringly worse than what got Dan Rather fired.

So longer Walter. Good night Mr. Murrow.

Novak - Hit and Almost-Run

Robert Novak, driving in his shiny black convertible corvette, hit an 86 year old homeless pedestrian yesterday on 18th & K Street in Washington DC as Novak was heading in to work. But Novak didn't stop...he kept right on going until a witness on a bicycle stopped him. Novak claims he didn't know he hit anyone and was cited for "Failure to Yield".

Sure. Why does it smell like woo to me? Upon being hit, the pedestrian is knocked onto the hood of the car, rolls up along the windshield, and back down onto the hood before falling to the ground, dislocating his shoulder. The pedestrian, Don Clifford Liljenquist, thinks it's possible Novak didn't know he hit anyone. From the Washington Post,

"Yeah, it's possible that he didn't know he hit me," Liljenquist said. "The vehicle was moving at 10 miles per hour or something like that, and the driver might not have seen me, because I rolled off and fell down to the pavement. So, yeah, it's possible that he didn't see me. He wasn't paying attention to his driving."

What? Was Novak so wrapped up in the latest Miley Cyrus album that he didn't know he ran someone over?? David Bono was the bicyclist who stopped Novak:

Bono and others said in interviews that they think Novak was attempting to flee the scene before Bono stopped him, but Novak said he did not know he had hit a pedestrian until Bono told him.

So Novak is 77. He's reaching that age where one day he'll mistake the accelerator for the brake and plow right through the Washington Post offices.

When There's No Man Around...

Funny now. Serious advertising then.



(via the good old days)

Top Ten Signs You're A Fundamentalist Christian

10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."

3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.

(via Evil Bible)

PZ Myers Takes Out The Trash

The infamous PZ Myers has taken out the trash. An otherwise uninteresting story, this is sure to cause an uproar among Catholic extremists, like Bill Donohue of the Catholic League because the trash PZ has gotten rid of includes a consecrated wafer (i.e. the sacrament, the holy host), pages from the Quran, pages from The God Delusion, as well as a banana skin (aka the atheists' nightmare) and some coffee grounds. More importantly, however, Myers reveals some of the history of past desecrations resulting in mass murder by angry Catholics. There are striking parallels with past sentiments and the current fervor surrounding Myers' anticlimactic desecration. The lesson is that religious belief can lead you down some very unreasonable paths if you choose to go. And there is also the lesson that we are free to believe what we want and can't be forced to respect other religions. And we have the freedom to express ourselves.

It is unlikely that seething masses will read PZ's message or take it to heart. But maybe reason will prevail.

You are all human beings who must make your way through your life by thinking and learning, and you have the job of advancing humanities' knowledge by winnowing out the errors of past generations and finding deeper understanding of reality. You will not find wisdom in rituals and sacraments and dogma, which build only self-satisfied ignorance, but you can find truth by looking at your world with fresh eyes and a questioning mind.

Autism Spectrum According To Michael Savage

Michael Savage has characterized autism in a variety of insensitive ways. He says in 99% of the cases, a child diagnosed with autism is really "a brat who hasn't been told to cut the act out". The diagnosis of autism falls on a spectrum, ranging from mild (highly functional) to severe (little or no function). It doesn't sound like Savage sees it that way. Autism, according to him, is a phony disease.

To me, there is one disease that they all have; it's called S-T-U-P-I-D. That's the main illness most of these kids have.

This, then, is a plausible spectrum of the autism disorder according to Michael Savage.

Note - click picture to bring up something more legible.

I suppose Savage also thinks Stephen Hawking is just lazy.

Geek Chic - Periodic Elements Coffee Table

I love geek chic furniture. This coffee table of the periodic elements from Element Displays almost fits the bill:


A nice addition if I felt like shelling out $8550 for it. After all, how many tables come with their very own Material Safety Data Sheet? Alas, no radioactive elements...not even a picture other than the standard radiation sign. Of course the deal breaker for me is - no Einsteinium!

(via Gizmodo)

At One With The Universe...Of Pain

Be at peace. Be one with yourself and your surroundings, especially those parts of your surroundings which are about to cause you a world of hurt...

Pastor gets into motorcycle crash - during service
Jeff Harlow, the senior pastor at Crossroads Community Church, broke his wrist when he lost control of the motorcycle at the start of Sunday's second service, driving off a 5-foot platform and into the vacant first row of seats. He underwent surgery on the wrist Monday.

When The Luck Runs Out

Sometimes good luck also requires good hand-eye coordination!

Wiccan Accidentally Stabs Herself in Foot With Sword During Good Luck Ritual
Katherine Gunther, 36, of Lebanon, pierced her left foot with the sword while performing the rite at Oak Hill Cemetery, police said.

Gunther said she was performing the ceremony to give thanks for a recent run of good luck. The ceremony involves the use of candles, incense and driving swords into the ground during the full moon.

Gunther said was aiming to put the sword in the ground, but hit her foot instead.

"It wasn't the first time I performed the ritual, but it was the first time I put a sword through my foot," she said.

Brain Drain

That whooshing sound this past Saturday wasn't the wind...it was the sucking sound from a large American intellectual low pressure system forming over Los Angeles, CA, specifically centered on the Generation Rescue fund raiser. Dense clouds of stupidity developed, absurdity condensed, and gusts of inanity reached hurricane intensities. History will record this as the perfect storm of wackiness as the likes of Jenny McCarthy, Brittney Spears, Charlie Sheen, Hugh Heffner, and Jim Carrey all came together to push their agenda of linking vaccinations to autism, despite the lack of scientific evidence.

Orac has a great writeup at the Respectful Insolence blog, noting that these zealots have quitely moved the goal posts to broaden the link of autism to "enviornmental causes". Meanwhile, America continues to take its toll in disease outbreaks as well-meaning but ill-informed parents refuse to vaccinate their children.